The Candy Man

        Parties are supposed to be fun.  You eat some food, grab a few drinks, and usually it's a pretty good time.  Of course, school parties are gonna be a little different than the ones you’d throw in your own home, but the general rules should still apply.  So this Halloween, I decided to give my classes a little taste of American culture (and a lot of candy) by hosting one of my own. I figured it’d be a harmless, semi-educational way to spend the day. What I failed to realize, though, is that going to a party and creating a party are two very different things.
        First, I had to plan the whole event.  I wanted to play a few games and I needed materials, which led to the most insanely complicated approval process ever.  I had to write out a lesson plan, which I showed to my assistant, which we then brought to the head teacher, who gave it to the administrative dept., who approved it and gave it back to the head teacher, who finally took me shopping.  Jesus.  I mentioned it to the kids about a week beforehand, and they seemed really excited, so that was good.  But on the day of the party, I realized they might’ve been too excited.  My first graders rushed through the door, but instead of the usual five or six, there were sixteen.  Word had gotten out about my plans, and the other kids wanted in.  Can’t blame them, I guess.
        Our school had some costumes in a supply cabinet, so we passed those out and let the kids get dressed up.  Since we couldn’t do trick or treating the traditional way, we had to get a little creative.  I had them line up at my desk, knock on it, and say the magic words.  And then I gave them a bunch of candy.  I have to say, they seemed pretty happy about the whole deal.  We ended up spending the better part of the next twenty minutes “trick or treating.”

        After that, I had them play the old “guess how many pieces of candy are in the jar?” game.  If there had been five or six kids, the game might’ve worked.  But with sixteen, it was a mess.  The first few kids wrote down their guesses, and then started running around the room wreaking havoc and stealing candy.  I went over to try to corral them, but that only caused more problems.  Back at the guessing jar, I saw that kids were writing down their guesses, and then pulling out handfuls of candy for the road.  By the time the last person got up to guess, they could’ve easily counted the remaining pieces.  Mostly because there were two left.

        Next, I brought them back to their desks for snacks and drinks.  Of course, they immediately swarmed me and started shouting out what flavor of juice they wanted.  By the time I’d filled a few glasses, the first kid would finish his drink and be begging for more.  Eventually, I convinced them all to sit down, and that made it a little less chaotic.  For the rest of the time, though, I basically ended up going around the class like a waiter, refilling glasses and handing out food.  I put on a classic short film— Mickey Mouse and the Sorceror’s Apprentice—and they all screamed like I’d just put Teletubbies on or something.  They absolutely hated it, which I still can’t believe.  MICKEY MOUSE IS TIMELESS, YOU LITTLE BRATS.

        The fifth and six graders were next, and big surprise, there were quite a few more students than usual.  We did the costume and candy thing again, as well a toilet paper mummy contest.  I thought it was pretty fun, if only because it kept them standing still for a little while. 

Everybody likes toilet paper.

Harry Potter teacher.  Wand: chopstick, 9 inches.

Some Halloween decorations we made for class.  These are my drawings...

And these are from the kids.  Some really talented artists.  

        By the time my last class rolled around (3^rd and 4^th), I was exhausted.  We went through the whole thing one more time, and by the end, I was just giving out handfuls of candy to the kids.  But I think it’s justifiable.  After all, it’s my job to introduce them to American concepts like "excess."  See, I’m teaching them culture.

        Once it was all over, I picked up the last few candy wrappers and scraps of toilet paper that littered the floor, and then I headed home. I walked through the door, collapsed on my bed, and went to sleep.   It had been a long day of work, although I have to admit that I managed to have a little bit of fun, too.  But at the moment, I just needed some time to recover.  Like after any good party, really.